Remembering Raphael
I read this poem and I just wanted to share it with you since it reflects my feelings aptly. I'm feeling particularly depressed today and tired after a marathon session of crying last night.
I Wish
I wish you wouldn't try to comfort me by saying something to try to make me be OK with my child's death. I am more comforted when you acknowledge how sad it is.
I wish you wouldn't feel so uncomfortable when I mention my child's name. I also wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived & it brings me comfort to hear their name.
I wish you wouldn't think that when we talk about my child, if I cry or get emotional that you have hurt me. The fact that my child has died is causing my tears. You have allowed me to cry & share my sadness with you & I am grateful because you are helping me to heal.
I wish you would accept that I have emotional highs & lows. Please don't think that if I have a good day my grieving is over, or if I have a bad day I need counseling or medication.
I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses & must be viewed as the unique loss that it is. It is the ultimate tragedy & I wish you wouldn't compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse or pet.
I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I feel alone enough missing my child, I feel more alone missing you also. And it makes me wonder if you think being a bereaved parent is contagious.
I wish you knew that all the crazy grief reactions I am having are, in fact, normal. Depression, anger, frustration, guilt, & the questioning of values & beliefs are all a part of grieving the death of a child.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grieving to be over in a few months. The 1st few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic & difficult for me.
I wish you would accept that like an alcoholic, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent". I will forever be a "recovering bereaved parent".
I wish you wouldn't measure my partner's grief against mine. We're trying to understand the differences in how we're grieving. You can help by caring for us both equally at this time of need.
I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, be absent minded, develop a host of illnesses, be accident prone, sigh all the time, & over react to almost everything; all of which are related to my grieving.
I wish you would tell me if you are thinking of my child on their birthday, the anniversary of their death, or any special day. Be assured I will be thinking of them. Special days will be more difficult for me than other times. So if I get quiet & withdrawn know that I am thinking about my child & missing them terribly.
I wish you wouldn't expect me to get back to my "old self", and be the same person I was before my child died. I can't be that person again, I am now different. But if you can accept how I've changed, you may find that you like the "new me".
By Gary Vogel
Labels: Raphael Roque
This moved me to tears. There are no words to tell you what I feel.
Jake (Old Scrote)
Posted by
Jake Allsop |
September 8, 2007 at 1:38 AM
jake> Thank you for visiting this site. I always try to write something to update my son's blog, but then I start crying and I have to stop writing. When I read this poem, I realized that it aptly stated how I feel which is why I decided to post it. Thanks again.
Posted by
ladybug |
September 17, 2007 at 12:26 PM
Ladybug, I know this comment is so late. I found you through SexyMom's blog where you left a comment.
My niece (my sister's daughter), Regina Isabel, also had Trisomy 18. She was diagnosed in utero at around 16 weeks, but my sister carried her to term. She died within a few hours after birth. She is now our guardian angel, Nina.
I can empathize with you. Remembering still brings pain even if that was more than 7 years ago. I imagine Raphael playing with Nina, and all of God's little angels, in heaven.
Are you working on a Trisomy 18 advocacy? Please let me know. Eva Cutiongco is a friend (from med school). My sister is based in the US, but we've always talked about setting something up for the Philippines.
Posted by
MegaMom |
November 22, 2007 at 6:12 PM
megamom> Sorry for the late reply. I am really sorry we meet under such sad circumstances. Yes, I would still be very much interested in working on a support group but I haven't had luck lately. Hope to be able to meet with you regarding this.
Posted by
ladybug |
January 11, 2008 at 12:14 AM